my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
