So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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