you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
