shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
