Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Randomize
