So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
