My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
