People in love make me want to vomit
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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