I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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