Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
