Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
