Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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