New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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