She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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