My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
