Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
