You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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