I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I think my fart just growled at me.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
