the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
