my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
