I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
