i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
how drunk are you?
Several
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
