I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
