do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You pole danced in your parka.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize