So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
