I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
