Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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