I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
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