Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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