Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
