We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
