last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
