Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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