I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
