when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
