i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
