I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
