her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
