i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I deserve this hangover.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
