can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
