got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
