dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
