You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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