My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Randomize
