Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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