he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
