My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
