The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
