either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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