Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
