Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize