Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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