I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
