My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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