someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
