We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
