Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Buhtt sex?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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